The way those fat cats in Washington have been bickering lately, some Americans are wondering whether there'll even be a military to march down Main Street when the hungry dead start to rise from their graves.
When you hear that knock on your door in the middle of the night, will it be FEMA coming to save you, or a gang of broke-ass "victims," whining about "compassion," ready to infringe your right to freedom from excess taxation -- by devouring your screaming children while you stand there quoting Ghandi?
Is that how you're gonna let it go down?
At Bellona Industries International Corporate and Governmental Military ConsultingTM, we've always felt that privatizing the zombie apocalypse is the guaranteed way to ensure robust economic growth, secure appealing investment options for our corporate clients, and provide new employment opportunities for biowarfare researchers fleeing all those unfortunate viral "mishaps" in the Third World.
If you're interested in joining the Bellona Industries Reanimation Interdiction Team, talk to a local recruiter. Whether you meet us at our recruitment offices in Crystal City, Simi Valley, Crawford, Provo or Madison, Wisconsin -- or at one of our overseas "outposts of sanity" like Valparaiso, Tigali, Tashkent, Khartoum, Kinshasa, or Bhopal -- we think you'll like what you hear.
It's not just our ample pay, delicious field cuisine, multiple in-country statellite entertainment packages, generous retirement benefits, and the simple pleasure of killing things. You won't just hear about how great it is to travel the world meeting interesting dead things...and getting to make them dead all over again.
No, you'll also hear a heck of a lot about the things we Americans hold dear. Little things like patriotism, duty, honor and profit. You'll finally "get" how the fight against the living dead is the same battle being waged right now by our brave heroes standing firm against taxation, entitlements, and some weirdo's "right" to marry a fencepost.
And then you'll know just what to do with those lazy, laughing tax-dodgers who haven't worked a day or filed a 1040 since they caught a ride on the government Gravy Train by supposedly getting infected with some supposed "bioengineered" virus, from some claimed "unplanned release" from some hypothetical "bioweapons facility" run by some theoretical "private security company," and showed up without health insurance at some emergency room in Compton or Bed-Stuy whining "Help us! Help us! We can't stop laughing!"
And then you won't need to put on some tinfoil hat and lisp out some whiny little sob sister "conspiracy theory" about "corporate corruption" while waiting for your government handout.
When you decide to join the Bellona Industries team, you won't need any more government lies. Once we put that state-of-the-art weaponry in your hands and point you at The Enemy, you'll remember what made American great -- and how she can be great again. You'll finally know the truth.
And maybe, just maybe, you'll find out what Bellona Industries' most famous fallen hero, the great patriot Dante Bogart, found out when he said "No" to terrorism at the Panama Canal five years ago.
